your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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