I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
