just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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