his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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