I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
