so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
