I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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