He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He kissed a someone with a penis
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
