someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
