Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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