john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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