Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
