just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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