I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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