I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
