Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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