Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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