i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
