I accidentally had phone sex last night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
