Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
