Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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