I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize