Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
