True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
