I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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