I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
