Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just had sex on a roof
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
