she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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