so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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