there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
