There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
