i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
