True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
