I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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