Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
it hurts more in the daytime
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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