Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
