he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
