she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
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