God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
