I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
