Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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