is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
