I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
