I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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