I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
