Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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