Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
