He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
