For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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