Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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