Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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