theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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