I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
