sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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