I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
