it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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