I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
