I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
