I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
