what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
