"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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